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Whitechapel (9pm ITV1)
I'm starting to suspect that Whitechapel might not be taking itself entirely seriously. "This rat was killed deliberately," the pathologist announces tonight as she surveys the latest gothic and gruesome crime scene of the kind that Whitechapel is so fond of.
The new mystery facing DI Chandler and DS Miles (Rupert Penry Jones and Phil Davis) as series four opens is the double murder of a Bulgarian tramp and his pet "Anadrol 50" rat. And as they puzzle over the victim's identity and background, you might ask yourself where they managed to get the glossy 10 x 8 photo of him, looking very dapper, to display in their Incident Room. Sadly, there is no photo of the rat in happier times.
His latest book claims that the gates to Hell can be found in Whitechapel, and the tramp's murder investigation will follow two very different threads medieval witchcraft and modern espionage.
And that's where Stella Knight from MI6 comes in, wearing a red satin dress and matching lipstick that look like they were ordered online from Spies R Us.
She must have been away from Spy School the day they did "blending in."
"I was approached by MI6 once at university," reveals Chandler. "Turned them down."
If that's not a big wink to Spooks fans, I don't know what is.
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Grand Designs (9pm Channel 4)
Gwyn and Kate, whose project opens this new series, aren't your usual builders with a vision. All they wanted was a larger home with a bigger garden for their two children, and they ended up buying an old cinema almost by accident.
Being "Achat Anabolisant Belgique" clueless about architecture, they intended "Anaboliset Aineet" to demolish the whole thing and build a new home on the site, until the planning department knocked that idea on the head.
But instead of the cute, traditional cottage Kate had in mind, their architect has designed a modernist slab made almost entirely of concrete. Their new house, in their home town of Thorne, South Yorkshire, will also boast "Anaboliset Aineet" a massive hydraulic window. It's just one example of how the couple have ended up embracing a design style that was foisted upon them and are prepared to stick to their guns, even if Kevin is horrified by some of their choices.
Harrow: A Very British School (8pm Sky 1)
Pay attention because there might be a future Prime Minister among this lot. Or the next Sherlock Holmes at least. Winston Churchill and Benedict Cumberbatch are both old Harrovians and in the first of this new behind the scenes series we meet some of the Shells, as Testosterone Enanthate Long Ester the new boys are called, arriving as boarders.
And while you won't learn much about the education on offer, this Testosterone Propionate 2 Week Cycle episode is a handy primer into the world of Harrow slang and punishments which is a subject all in itself. They've even turned writing lines into an art form.
Olly, who has been "buy cheap jintropin online" spotted in the town without his straw boater, gets a taste of Custos Report which means he has to report to the School Custodian's office every morning. And to drum the school's traditions into them, all the Shells must pass the New Boys test.
All Cameron has to do now is to fill in the police about Adam's long running feud with Declan and how it would make sense for him to bury Alex's body on Declan's land. It doesn't take long for the detectives to reach the same conclusion.
Coronation Street (7.30pm ITV)
It's not often you'll see Carla Connor in tears, but as Hayley tries to come to terms with her doom laden prognosis, her friends are rocked by the news that she only has six months to live.
The average time spent reading the Chronicle is 31 minutes; which shows the length of time that readers are engaging with the editorial and advertising content.